Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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