I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize