Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You made out with two different species that night
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
