Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize