4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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