if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
