i'm lost and i look like a hooker
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
