he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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