There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
