I accidentally had phone sex last night
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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