You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize