Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
