before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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