I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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