It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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