I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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