You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
