Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
