I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
