Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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