The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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