It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize