Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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