she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
