the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
