so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
