After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
