I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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