why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
