How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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