OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize
