you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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