ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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