I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
