Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
