There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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