I'm jealous of your bromance
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Randomize
