i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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