Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
