i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize