We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
