I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize