why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
