found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
