i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
