So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
