i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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