my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
