Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Green mimosas i think yes
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
