even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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