You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
