how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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