So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
