take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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