I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
