Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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