Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize