Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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