I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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