Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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