My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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