ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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