She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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